The Six Emotional Motives For Authenticity

The inner thought coming from the heart represents the real motives and desires. These are the cause of action. – Raymond Holliwell

Authenticity is rooted in the transparency and alignment between who you are and what you do.

Previously I showed how emotional motives can be strong drivers of conflict, and are also powerful sources of authenticity. Dr. Taibi Kahler, a behavioral psychologist and developer of the Process Communication Model, discovered six core emotional motives which he called Phase Issues. Depending on personality architecture and phase of life, one of these six is primary. They are; Fear, Loss, Anger, Responsibility, Autonomy, and Bonding/Intimacy. Read Kahler’s book, Process Therapy Model, for a deep dive.

When life presents us with one of these issues we feel uncomfortable, and that’s natural. This discomfort becomes an emotional motive, driving us, consciously or subconsciously, towards relief. Failing to recognize and authentically experience the emotional motive results in unhealthy coping, miscommunication, and drama. Recognizing, disclosing, and owning it leads to authentic, healthy problem-solving. Use this list to see what might be holding you back from deeper authenticity.

Fear

“I am a natural protector.”

It is my duty to protect my family, my company, my employees, and my constituency. Because of the unpredictable nature of the world, and of people, I can’t always fulfill my duty perfectly. This is frightening. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose this fear, ask for help, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by my desire to feel less afraid and more safe, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include suspicious preoccupation, problems with trust, self-righteous arrogance, and pessimism.

Loss

“I’m a natural planner.”

It is my duty to fix things, plan things out, and be sure that there are no surprises. Because of the unpredictable nature of the world, and of people, I lose control of life. Losing things (including time spent) is sad. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose my sadness around the loss, ask for help, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by the need to feel in control, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include rigid micromanaging, obsessive and compulsive behavior around even the tiniest issues of time management, orderliness, and money, and a critical attitude around how lazy and stupid everyone else is.

Anger

“I’m a natural care-giver.”

It is my duty to show compassion, make sure everyone is happy, and promote harmony. Because of the nature of humanity, people do mean things, sometimes even on purpose. I feel angry about that. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose my anger around the way people treat me and each other, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by the need to feel close again, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include losing confidence and self-esteem, taking things too personally, and getting depressed because I’ve turned the anger on myself instead.

Responsibility

“I’m a natural funster.”

It is my pleasure to enjoy life, play with others, and create new things. Because I make mistakes, and because the world wants to count on me, I experience expectations. I feel responsible and it’s very uncomfortable and restrictive. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose my sense of responsibility to myself and my community, ask for help, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by the need to freely express myself, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include blaming, complaining, sarcasm, and anything else I can do to avoid taking ownership for my feelings and behaviors.

Bonding/Intimacy

“I’m a natural do-er.”

I take great pride in my self-sufficiency to make things happen, and take care of business. Because the world doesn’t always move at my pace and people want to get close to me, I feel tied down. Being emotionally reliable and present with another person is very uncomfortable. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose my fear of intimacy, ask for help, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by the need to break free from close relationships, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include negative drama and manipulation to push people away and position myself as superior as a way to avoid feeling close.

Autonomy

“I am a natural dreamer.”

I relish the vast wonder of my imaginative mind and freedom to spend time there. Because I have to get things done and because people often leave me alone, I feel the pull to get out of my imagination, get into the real world, and get moving. I feel very uncomfortable with this kind of autonomy. That’s OK. If I recognize and disclose this discomfort with self-direction, ask for help, and acknowledge that many of my behaviors are motivated by my desire to be autonomous, then I can stay healthy. If I hide or cover up this emotional motive, my behaviors will likely include avoidance, isolation, and a sense of insignificance.

Which emotional motive resonates most with you? What benefits could you gain from disclosing and honoring your emotional motives to be more authentic. What’s stopping you?

This article was inspired by Chapter 11 in Nate Regier’s book, Conflict Without Casualties, available on Amazon and other retailers.