Stop Blaming Others for How You Feel

How often have you said, “They made me feel terrible,” after a conversation or situation? It’s a common reaction when we feel angry, embarrassed or misunderstood. But what if we told you that no one else has the power to make you feel anything? 

Shifting this mindset is a game-changer, and it starts with being accountable for your feelings.

Why We Blame Others for Our Feelings

When we have an emotional response to what someone else did or said, it’s natural to point the finger outward. After all, it was their words and behaviors, right? But emotions don’t arise out of nowhere. They’re influenced by our experiences, beliefs, past experiences, and mindset. 

For example:

Your manager provides feedback on your work, pointing out areas for improvement. Instead of viewing this as constructive critique, you feel crushed. 

You vent to a colleague, saying, “They made me feel like I’m terrible at my job.”

But let’s pause. 

Did your manager really make you feel that way, or did their feedback touch on something personal and unique to you? Three employees may have received feedback the same day, but each one had different feelings about what happened. 

Why Do We Feel the Way We Do?

Our feelings stem from our interpretations of situations, not the situations themselves. It’s not just what happens to us, but how we interpret and make meaning of it that determines our emotions.

Your manager’s critique might feel like a personal attack because:

• You’ve struggled with self-doubt in the past.
• You equate constructive criticism with failure.
• You value perfection and see any feedback as falling short.
• You desire to be seen as competent by your peers.

By exploring why you feel the way you do, you take the first step toward emotional accountability.

Owning Your Feelings

Instead of saying, “They made me feel terrible,” try reframing it:

• “I felt terrible because I interpreted their feedback as a sign of failure.”
• “I felt upset because I’m not confident in this area of my work.”
• “This stings because I want to be seen as competent in front of my peers.”

This shift in language takes the blame for your feelings off others and places responsibility where it belongs, on how you process and react.

Using Compassionate Accountability® to Work Through Emotions

Compassionate Accountability is a framework that intertwines compassion and accountability. It’s about building relationships while getting results. Here’s how it can help:

1. Pause and Reflect

When emotions run high, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself:

• What exactly am I feeling?
• Why am I feeling this way?
• What does this emotion reveal about me?

For example, if you feel defensive when receiving feedback, identify the emotion and dig deeper. Is it fear of failure? A need for validation?

For a terrific book on identifying emotions and what they mean, check out Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart. 

2. Communicate Effectively

Once you’ve owned your feelings, it’s time to address the situation. Instead of blaming, use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need.

• Instead of: “You made me feel useless with that feedback.”
• Try: “I felt disheartened because I value doing things right. Could we explore ways I can improve while feeling supported?”

This approach fosters understanding and collaboration.

Note: Taking responsibility for your emotions does not mean you are condoning or taking responsibility for other people’s behaviors. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. You are responsible for your emotions and how you respond. They are responsible for their behaviors. Once you’ve owned your interpretations and emotions, then you can have accountability conversations around behaviors. 

Three steps for holding people accountable with compassion. 

3. Learn and Grow

Being accountable for your feelings doesn’t mean ignoring them. Use emotions as a compass to understand your triggers and grow from them.

Ask yourself:

• What can I learn from this experience?
• How can I improve my mindset to respond more productively?
• What beliefs about myself and others do I need to update to be more resilient?

Over time, you’ll notice a shift, from reacting emotionally to responding intentionally.

Why This Matters

When we blame others for how we feel, we hand over control of our emotions. By taking responsibility, we reclaim that power. Emotional accountability helps us:

• Build stronger relationships based on trust and understanding.
• Respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
• Grow in self-awareness and enhance your EQ.

Final Thoughts

Being accountable for your feelings isn’t always easy. It requires honesty, introspection, and courage. But the rewards are profound. Deeper connections, personal growth, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges with grace.

The next time you feel tempted to say, “They made me feel…,” pause. Reflect on why you feel that way, own it, and take a step toward resolving it with Compassionate Accountability®.

Remember, your feelings are yours. Own them.

As Viktor E. Frankl said…

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”