Nice vs. Kind vs. Civil

Nice, kind, and civil are all words to describe how we treat others. All three are rising in popularity in response to the epidemic of division and drama in our culture. Each is a response to drama, but none offers the kind of breakthrough we need for flourishing workplaces.

The Difference Between Nice, Kind, and Civil

Being Nice

• Superficial or forced.
• Attempts to please others.
• Needs to be appreciated.
• Often has ulterior motives of being accepted.
• Often hides real feelings to avoid conflict.
• Often compromises to keep the peace.
• Implies a differential in power, dignity, or respect.
• Sounds like polite or politically correct.

Being Kind

• Comes from an authentic desire to help.
• Sees the bigger picture.
• Considers what is best vs. what is convenient.
• Less self-serving than being nice.
• To succeed, it requires inner work.
• Often avoids personal vulnerability.
• Rides a fine line between equality and self-righteousness.
• Reminds me of old-school definitions of compassion that emphasize empathy in action and can lead to burnout.

Being Civil

“Civility is more than making people feel comfortable; it’s about creating a dynamic, diverse, and productive workplace where everyone can thrive.” – SHRM

SHRM is launching a civility initiative. Here’s a short video from SHRM President and CEO, Johnny C. Taylor Jr.

I respect what SHRM and others are trying to do by providing perspectives and tools for people to respond constructively to drama. And I don’t think it goes far enough. Civility:

• Sees the bigger picture of systems, processes, and culture.
• A behavioral, institutional norm.
• Acknowledges conflict, but can’t decide if it’s a distraction or an opportunity.
• The word “civility” still implies compliance, i.e. “Can’t we just be civil?”

What’s your view? How do you see the difference between nice, kind, and civil?

A Both-And Breakthrough

For 15 years our team at Next Element has been studying the role of conflict in high-performing teams. Our research has concluded the following:

• Conflict is a natural and inevitable consequence of diversity and differences in perspectives.
• Conflict is neither good nor bad. It is energy that can be used positively or negatively.
• Conflict is the bridge between compassion and accountability.
• Teams cannot achieve high levels of psychological safety/trust and high levels of performance without healthy, generative conflict, yet very few people are skilled at generative conflict. Being nice, kind, or civil isn’t enough. 

We have a solution to incivility that is fresh, evidence-based, proven to work, easily taught, and is a powerful antidote to the epidemic of negative conflict in our world. It’s called Compassionate Accountability®. It works and it can be scaled in any organization so that everyone can build connection and get results. If you are curious and want to learn more, give us a call.

Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2024