Call center managers from one of the nation’s largest car rental companies are using The Compassion Mindset to engage differently at work. In this video, reveal two surprisingly simple, but remarkably effective strategies they are are using to help their employees succeed.
Arthur Brooks, economist and author of Love Your Enemies estimates that seven percent of the population profits from contempt. Contempt is how we feel when we view others as invaluable, incapable, and irresponsible. This is exactly the opposite of compassion.
Contempt-mongers make their living by using conflict as a weapon. They have honed the art of stoking division, emphasizing differences, inviting fear, and normalizing the degradation of anyone who gets in their way.
Conflict was never approved for use as a weapon.
Conflict is a natural consequence of diversity. Diversity is a natural and wonderful part of this world we live in. The purpose of conflict is to create, not destroy.
Conflict has been approved as a viable energy source for creating something amazing.
Compassion is the mechanism for harnessing the positive potential in conflict.
So what’s up with the seven percent?
- Ignorance; we don’t know and don’t want to know about those other people
- Greed; compassion threatens our personal stockpile of stuff
- Fear; I don’t know what would happen, but it’s probably bad
- Upbringing; it’s how I was raised
- Us vs. Them; we are right, they are different, they need to be eliminated
- It pays off; contempt-mongering gets me what I want
The good news!
93% of the world prefers compassion.
Who is your role model in the 93%? Will you give them a shout out on this post?
Mis-communicable diseases are illnesses passed from person to person through miscommunication. That’s because miscommunication infects people with negativity; inferiority, guilt, shame, and fear. Forget the basic cases of not understanding each other. I’m talking about getting hooked, and the next thing you know, you’re under the weather.
Things were going so good leading up to Christmas. Then, during the week between Christmas and New Years I got several pieces of bad news, and had one heck of a time transferring data between an old and new computer. Wasted most of a day! By the way, the Apple Migration Assistant didn’t make my life any easier this time! Together, these events really killed the buzz I had going. I found myself plummet from being on top of the world to complaining “Why is this happening to me!?” in a matter of hours.
This post is the third in my series, New Year, New Default Settings, where I examine the defaults in our life that keep us from experiencing greater joy, purpose, and productivity. The third default I have re-set this year is,
The book is called Conflict Without Casualties: A Field Guide for Leading With Compassionate Accountability.
Here are six reasons why buying my book for Christmas is a bad idea.
1. There’s nowhere to hide.
People who have read my book and gone through our Compassionate Accountability training say,
“There’s nowhere to hide. Your model quickly exposes all the ways I waste the energy of conflict struggling against myself and others.”
So don’t buy my book and avoid exposing your own drama. Of course, everyone else already knows it, but the longer you avoid knowing it, the happier you will be.
2. Compassionate Accountability is exhausting!
Drama is much easier and doesn’t require extra effort or discipline. You already know how to do it. The holidays are all about taking it easy, so don’t buy my book.
3. I’d have to challenge my belief system.
Compassion requires we accept that people are worthwhile, capable, and accountable. If this contradicts your world view, then don’t buy my book.
4. Nate might ask me about it.
If I find out you bought my book I might ask you if you liked it. What if you didn’t read it, didn’t like it, or didn’t understand what I wrote? Awkward! Better off not buying the book.
5. I love feeling justified.
6. I’d have to be responsible.
Seriously! Learning more effective ways to communicate with people means you can no longer pretend you don’t know any better. People might expect you to do something different. For heaven’s sake, don’t buy the book for yourself, get it for everyone else!
Sarcasm and reverse psychology were extensively applied in the creation of this post. Yeah, I just did that.
Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2018
I’m delighted to announce the launch of my new blog, Conflict Without Casualties, on PsychCentral, one of the world’s most visited sites for mental health and wellness resources.
The Conflict Without Casualties Blog will focus on helping people:
- Unlock the positive potential in conflict.
- Transform their relationship with conflict through the practice of Compassionate Accountability.
- Achieve greater effectiveness, happiness, and satisfaction.
I post once a week on Tuesdays. Check it out, tell a friend, and if you have topic ideas for me to write about, I’d love your input.
One more step to help build cultures of Compassionate Accountability one person at a time. Will you join us?
Buy the book and get a free Drama Resilience Assessment.
The need to feel justified is one of the strongest, most intoxicating and uniquely human conditions. It’s amazing how far we will go to get that fix, how hard we will work to prove we were right about something or someone. How hard do you defend your version of what happened in a “he said, she said” argument? When you send an email and the other person doesn’t remember getting it, how much energy do you spend trying to prove that you sent it and that they are in the wrong?
Optimism is not just seeing the glass as half full. It’s about doing what it takes to fill it up.
Optimism is not wishful thinking. Not even a hopeful attitude. Optimism is the discipline of envisioning and pursuing possibility, against the odds. Optimistic people are this way because they work at it. They don’t just see the glass as half full, they push through to keep filling it so that potential turns into reality. Optimism takes perseverance, grit, and belief in the power of a vision and of the people pursuing that vision. Optimism doesn’t give up when the going gets tough. Optimism never quits looking for opportunity, potential, the possibility everyone else missed, the faint light at the end of the tunnel.
Jon Gordon, an ambassador of positivity, wrote this about optimism.
Storytelling is fundamentally human. Stories give meaning to our lives and make connections between people and across generations. Stories can also mislead us in ways that reduce our ability to think clearly, respond thoughtfully and seek the best obtainable truth, especially when emotions run high. In his TedX talk, Tyler Cowan, an economist, warns us to be suspicious of stories that oversimplify the messiness of our lives in exchange for media hype.
Getting accurate feedback about performance and behavior is difficult. Self-report is notoriously biased. Reports from supervisors often miss important perspectives from peers, co-workers, or clients. Thus the 360; a “full circle” assessment that includes feedback from multiple angles. Usually conducted in the context of an annual performance review, the 360 supposedly offers a more comprehensive and accurate assessment of a person’s performance. Most 360 evaluations are conducted anonymously, and the employee receives only aggregate feedback. Rarely do such evaluations involve direct conversations between the person being rated and those doing the ratings. Often the supervisor or HR will “interpret” the results.
Advantages of a 360
- Feedback from multiple angles gives a more thorough picture
- Peers, employees or customers may report unrecognized performance gaps
- Can improve accuracy of self-perception
Disadvantages of a 360
- Replaces daily conversations around performance and behavior
- Avoids necessary conflict between people who rely on each other every day
- Delays important conversations about behavior
- Turns conflict into a number instead of a conversation
- Gives people a mechanism to feel justified instead of taking personal responsibility
- Prevents us from doing a 180 and reflecting on our own behavior
Getting feedback from all angles is absolutely necessary. Doing it once a year in an indirect way that avoids conflict is drama.
What would you gain if you taught people to practice healthy conflict instead of filling out surveys about each other?
- Just in time conversations about today’s behavior
- Healthy conflict that promotes higher levels of accountability
- More trust and commitment to the team
- More clarity and responsibility around how my behavior contributes to, or detracts from, the team goals
- Knowing we are worthwhile, curious, and consistent
Conflict is the gap between what I want and what I am experiencing at any given point in time. That gap is neither good nor bad, but it does generate energy. Using that energy to have regular, healthy conflict with each other is the best way to keep yourself, your team, and your company on the right track.
How to have daily conversations about performance and behavior
- Share how you are feeling about the gap, without accusing anyone
- Explain the gap between what you want and what you are experiencing
- Identify what’s most important to you. What are the boundaries or principles at stake?
- Check in with the other person to gain their perspective
- Repeat if necessary to gain their buy-in for struggling together towards a solution