transformative communication

Three Essential Compassion Skills for Leaders

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know my enthusiasm for the concept of compassionate accountability. It all starts with the recognition that Drama at work or at home is an energy vampire and that simply avoiding it isn’t the mark of a great leader.

Compassion is the antidote and the core competency to lead out of drama, and means a whole lot more than having empathy and being nice.

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Four Leadership Tips to Get More Honest Feedback

When I was in middle school, my older brother once told me, “Nate, you will never know what people really think of you.”

I was shocked. In my typical style of never taking “no” for an answer, I challenged him to explain himself.

“You act so sure of yourself and are so persuasive that it’s very hard for anyone to be honest with you,” he answered.

I’ve always cared what people thought. Sometimes too much. Why would I make it so hard for others to give me honest feedback?

This is something I’ve worked on my whole life. I’m better than I used to be, and I still sometimes hear second-hand that someone doesn’t feel comfortable being honest with me. As a leader, I want feedback. I rely on honest, sometimes brutal, feedback to get better as a leader and do the best job I can for my team. What I’ve learned is that telling people that I want feedback and actually getting it are two different things. It takes more than words to get people to take the risk of putting themselves out there. (more…)

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Want More, Expect Less.

What if you got rid of expectations and focused on what you wanted instead? I bet you’d experience,

  • More responsibility, less resentment
  • More courage, less disappointment
  • More ownership, less compliance
  • More acceptance, less judgment
  • More honesty, less assuming
  • 
More persistence, less aggression
  • 
More trust, less control
  • More creativity, less coercion
  • More intention, less luck
  • More asking, less wishing
  • 
More mistakes, fewer failures
  • More joy, less justifying
  • 
More goals, fewer rules

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden


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Beyond-Drama-Book-w_reflections-and-shadowBuy Nate’s book, Beyond Drama: Transcending Energy Vampires

Visit Nate’s Speaker Page, or contact us about booking Dr. Regier for a speaking engagement.

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Neural Coupling, Brain Syncing, and Communication

Invited post by Kathleen Friesen, Friesen Group 

Imagine a tall glass of ice water, shimmering clear in a tall glass, ice clinking against the sides, cold to the touch, refreshing as you swallow. Although you didn’t just actually take a drink, the circuits in your brain that are used to seeing the glass, hearing the ice clink, feeling the cold surface, lifting the glass, and swallowing the water were activated as you imagined the experience.

Brains in Sync

People sit next to each other in a movie theater. As they watch the movie and experience the environment, their brain circuits fire in similar patterns. If someone in a room says the word “dog,” everyone’s brain circuits dedicated to the knowledge of dogs are activated – even though there is no dog in the room.

We know that speaking and listening is a mutual activity. Research in Interpersonal Neurobiology has been demonstrating these connections for a decade. But what do we know about more everyday conversations, ones that we might have in the break room or at the dinner table?

Princeton University researchers asked that question and designed a method to discover what happens in our brains during normal conversation. The process involved having a speaker tell an unrehearsed personal story, speaking as if to a friend or colleague. While they told the story, the researchers used an fMRI to map the speaker’s brain circuits. Then they had multiple persons listen to the recorded story while inside an fMRI.  In addition to the brain scans, the listeners were assessed for comprehension.

Neural Coupling

The scans showed that as listeners heard the story, their brains began to mirror or “couple” with the brain of the speaker. For some listeners, there was a slight delay in mirroring the speaker’s brain. But as the level of comprehension increased, the level of mirroring increased – eliminating the delay.  In the highest level of assessed comprehension, the listener’s brain scans actually preceded the speaker’s.

The experiment was repeated using the same story, but told in Russian to English speakers. The resulting brain scans showed no significant coupling in any brain region between speaker and listener. The coupling is a result of understanding each other. It is the physical and neural basis of mutual communication. Our brains synchronize when we’re communicating most effectively, we “click.”

A Tool for Better Communication

While each person’s brain is unique, the act of communication can align speaker and listener brain circuits. We know when we are “clicking” with a person or an audience. And we know when things are falling flat. How can a speaker increase the chances that the highest levels of coupling will occur?

The Process Communication Model® (PCM) offers an effective process to increase communication. It is designed to “promote understanding, recognition, prediction, and action.” When listeners are able to predict what the speaker will say next, the greatest level of brain coupling and comprehension occurs. Speakers and organization leaders can use PCM to increase the probabilities of coupling – of clicking and being in sync with their listeners. The researchers pose a challenge at the end of their original peer reviewed article suggesting that the next frontier is to find the behavioral correlates of neural coupling – in other words – what can people actually do to increase communication effectiveness and brain sync-ing? PCM might be one of the best current options available.

Hasson, U. (2010) I can make your brain look like mine. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on Nov. 22, 2010 from http://hbr.org/2010/12/defend-your-research-i-can-make-your-brain-look-like-mine/ar/1

Stephens, G. J., Silbert, L. J., & Hasson, U. (2010). Speaker–listener neural coupling underlies successful communication. PNAS, August 10, 2010, 32: 14425-14430.

Kathleen Friesen is a Principal at Friesen Group. She blogs at www.friesengroup.net and can be reached at kkfriesen@friesengroup.net


Next Element is a Unites States distributor of PCM. We train PCM and certify and support PCM trainers across the country.

PocketPCMTry the app. PocketPCM is a free app for Android and iOS with tips for using the “Communication Model PCM” to improve relationships.

 

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Five Trainer Habits That Separate the Best From the Rest

I train, I train trainers, and I train trainers of trainers. This is my role as a Certifying Master Trainer in the Process Communication Model. I’ve worked with the entire spectrum of trainers, from novice to world-class. I’ve experienced the thrill of delighted and engaged participants, the agony of failure as a trainer, and everything in between.

It takes a certain set of attributes to be a good trainer. Comfort in front of people, knowledge of the subject matter, experience, a passion for learning, interest in people. I’d say these are the minimum pre-requisites. Anyone in a learning and development role should have these attributes. I’ve worked with hundreds of trainers who have these attributes and still aren’t great at what they do. Regardless of what field they are in or what they are training, the most exceptional trainers I’ve met share these five qualities.  (more…)

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It Takes Three to Tango! Exposing The Three Roles of Drama

It takes three to tango! In other blogs I’ve written about Karpman’s Drama Triangle and the three roles that people play to perpetuate the negative conflict of drama. I’ve proposed a working definition of drama. Now it’s time to expose the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors associated with these roles. The purpose of this post is to help trainers, leaders, and other change agents identify when drama is occurring in order to stop it. (more…)

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Comfort the Afflicted, Afflict the Comfortable

My father used to tell me, “My job is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” He was a missionary. He had a huge heart for people who were suffering, a passion for justice, and continually pursued excellence in all he did. He had little patience for those who were entitled, complacent, or just a little too comfortable with themselves and their lives. I think he even got a little secret satisfaction from watching them squirm when he’d ask a tough question or recite a parable that exposed their folly. Yet he still accepted each person, no matter what, as having something wonderful to offer and the potential to learn and grow. (more…)

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A Working Definition of Drama

No, we aren’t talking about stage performances. We’re talking about the drama that causes a pit in your stomach, makes you want to scream, and sucks the life out of you like an energy vampire.

According to Gallup research, negative behavior costs the US economy more than $350 billion dollars annually in lost productivity. Add to this the psychological, physical, and emotional toll and the drag on our economy is unbelievable.

It’s easy to identify the behaviors of drama: gossip, secrets, triangulating, blaming, avoiding, blowing up…the list goes on. A working definition that helps us get a handle on it is a bit more difficult. Over the last ten years advising and training leaders on how to deal with negative workplace conflict, we’ve evolved this definition of drama.

Drama is what happens when people struggle against themselves or each other, with or without awareness, to feel justified about their negative attention behavior.

  • Drama is about struggling against. There’s always a winner and a loser. The fight may be internal, between people, or involving companies and nations.
  • Drama happens with or without awareness. How each person behaves in drama is predictable and habitual. It’s highly predicted by personality and amazingly consistent from day to day.
  • Feeling justified is the modus operandi in drama. If I’m in drama, my ultimate motivation is to be able to say “See, I was right!” This is why drama has such a negative impact on productivity; because people are spending energy trying to feel justified.
  • Drama is all about negative attention behavior. Humans need attention. Period. If we don’t get it in positive ways, we’ll get it negatively. It’s the next best thing, and far better than being ignored.

HelpWriteNextBookBeyond-Drama-Book-w_reflections-and-shadowThat’s our working definition, one that we introduced in our first book, Beyond Drama, and will continue to evolve in our next book. What’s your perspective? How does this fit with your experience? Does it provide any insights? If you’ve been exposed to our work, how has this definition worked for you? Will you leave a comment?

 


Like Next Element on Facebook

Follow @NextNate on Twitter

Connect with Nate on LinkedIn

Buy Nate’s book, Beyond Drama: Transcending Energy Vampires

Visit Nate’s Speaker Page, or contact us about booking Dr. Regier for a speaking engagement.

 

 

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How You Struggle When The Going Gets Tough?

We all know the experience of fighting for something, struggling for something we want or believe in. How do you judge the value of your struggle? There are three different kinds of struggling.

Struggling Against

You’ve decided that someone must win, someone must lose. It’s probably important that you keep telling stories about yourself and the opponent so that you can keep feeling justified that you are right about your position. This leads to violence. (more…)

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Conflict is Energy: Use it Wisely

I want my coffee in my hands before 7:45 AM so I can get to work on time, but the line is long at Starbucks.

I want my team to gel around our strategic vision but they keep asking questions and don’t seem to feel confident about their roles.

I want recognition for my hard work on the project but my client points out a mistake.

I want cheap gas but the prices keep going up.

Conflict, at the most basic level, is a difference between what I want and what I am currently getting.

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