Conflict Without Casualties

Non-Consensual Helping

There should be a law against nonconsensual helping. Helping someone without their consent is a violation of their free choice, dignity, and self-determination. Here is what perpetrators of non-consensual helping say;

You know you’ll like it.

You need me.

You’ll thank me later.

You say no, but I know you mean yes.

Just trust me.

There should be some exceptions, like when someone’s health or safety are in imminent danger, or when they are temporarily unable to consent for some reason. In these situations it should be OK to help them. But as soon as the exception has passed, consent should again be required. (more…)

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Unconditional vs. Negotiable vs. Non-Negotiable

Some things in life are unconditional. Some are negotiable. And some are non-negotiable. Knowing which is which and honoring each one is guaranteed to make you a lot more effective, especially when dealing with conflict.

Unconditional things – THE WHO

There’s only one. Human worthiness. People are worthy, regardless. Their behaviors may be terrible, but they are OK as human beings. You may be thinking, “What about Hitler, or that serial killer, or those really evil people. They aren’t worthy!” Even in extreme cases like these, it’s possible to respond clearly to their behavior while leaving a person’s worthiness intact. In most daily cases, however, seeing people as human beings, worthy of dignity and respect, despite their behavior, will serve you and them much better.

Negotiable things – THE HOW

How we get where we are going is negotiable. How we close the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing can take many forms. There are many different ways to solve problems, a lot of options for getting from point A to point B. People are different in how they perceive the world and what’s important to them, yet they all seem to make it through their day. Don’t fall on your sword around the HOW. It will get you alienated and you’ll feel frustrated a lot. Many negotiations and conflict-resolution efforts fall apart because people treat the HOW as if is was a non-negotiable.

Non-Negotiable things – THE WHY

Why are you here on this earth? Why do you get up every day? What is so important in your life that if you didn’t honor it, you’d lose your soul? What are the core principles and values that give you purpose?

Non-negotiables aren’t about what other people should or shouldn’t do. They are about how you will chose to live your life.

The minute you expect others to live according to your non-negotiables, you encroach on the other two categories listed above.

Are you passionate about spreading your values? Do you think the world would be a better place if more people adhered to your non-negotiables? Nothing wrong with that. Just know that unless you honor the WHO and the HOW principles along the way, it’s going to be very rough travels and could get violent.

Put it all together and the compassionate accountability mantra leading yourself and others out of drama sounds like this.

I’m OK, You’re OK. There may be multiple ways to solve this problem and I’m open to exploring them with you. Here’s what’s important to me. What’s important to you?

Copyright Next Element Consulting, LLC 2016

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CWC + Discussion GuideGet our latest book Conflict Without Casualties: A Field Guide for Leading With Compassionate Accountability. This book is the foundation for our Leading Out of Drama program, a comprehensive system for building cultures of compassionate accountability.

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Plotters vs. Planners

Plotters have a secret agenda.

Planners are transparent about their motives.

Plotters seek self-justification.

Planners seek to be effective.

Plotters want to hurt.

Planners want to help.

Plotters are manipulative.

Planners are collaborative.

Plotters seek power.

Planners seek influence.

Plotters create drama.

Planners create compassionate accountability.

Plotters scheme.

Planners plan.

Copyright 2016, Next Element Consulting, LLC

Want to receive regular tips for practicing compassionate accountability in leadership and life? Join my blog today!


CWC + Discussion GuideGet our latest book Conflict Without Casualties: A Field Guide for Leading With Compassionate Accountability. This book is the foundation for our Leading Out of Drama program, a comprehensive system for building cultures of compassionate accountability.

PodBeanButton Subscribe to Dr. Regier’s free podcast

Follow Next Element on Facebook

Join Nate on LinkedIn

 

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Four Uncomfortable Truths About Feelings

Emotional intelligence requires a lot more than simply being aware of your emotions. It involves taking full responsibility for them as well. A lot of people are happy to identify and share their feelings, but not always willing to own up to them.

Leading self and others out of drama with compassionate accountability starts and ends with emotional responsibility.

Here are four truths about feelings that may challenge you, and are guaranteed to increase your integrity and authenticity if you apply them. (more…)

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What Does It Take To Build Trust?

I used to believe that in order for me to open up to someone I had to trust them. Unless I felt safe enough that they weren’t going to misuse my vulnerability, I didn’t place my trust in them. This made sense to me.

At Next Element we focus on three core leadership skills, Openness, Resourcefulness, and Persistence. Of these three, openness is my weakest. Showing authenticity and transparency, being vulnerable, supportive, and genuine are the things I struggle with most. (more…)

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Conflict Isn’t The Problem

Conflict has a really bad rap. At almost every speaking engagement I ask the audience what comes to mind when they hear the word “Conflict.” Almost universally, there is a negative reaction. Phrases like, “Somebody gets hurt,” “I hate it!” or “Run away!” are typical responses.

For many people conflict is synonymous with casualties. They’ve experienced so many situations where key people in their life handled conflict in a destructive way that they now think conflict is bad. Something to be avoided at all costs.

The myth of conflict mediation, management, and reduction

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From Zero To Doctor In Nothing Flat

My mother in-law, who had suffered for about three years with frontal lobe dementia, passed away this week. Our family was blessed to have caring and thoughtful doctors, nurses, and technicians who helped us negotiate the final hours of her life with dignity and compassion. Throughout her illness I got to vicariously experience what it’s like to care for a loved one and negotiate the medical system under these circumstances.

My summary of the experience; a collection of dedicated and caring healthcare providers, each trying to deal with one part of complex problem, in a system that is disconnected and offers little in terms of coordinated relationships.

The problem cannot be blamed on any one person or organization fault. It’s about how interrelated systems of care work together. The good news is that progress is being made, right here in my community. I want to share an article from our archives originally posted on May 2, 2013. At the end, I’ve added a new piece, the national recognition that Via Christi received for their pioneering work in patient-centered care. (more…)

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How To Recognize And Stop Workplace Drama

Drama is what happens when people struggle against themselves or others, with or without awareness, to justify their unhealthy behavior.

After many years of working with leaders at all levels, in companies of all sizes, we’ve distilled the top ten drama behaviors that undermine productivity, morale, and engagement. Do you ever… (more…)

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What Do The Chilean Student Protests And A Wichita Police Cookout Have In Common?

In Chile, middle-class families spend nearly 40 percent of their income per child on higher education expenses—a much higher rate than in other OECD countries. And this trend is escalating. Tuition at public and private universities has increased by more than 60 percent over the past decade. One result is a high debt burden for many students post graduation. Chilean college graduates pay three to five times more of their income in student loans than their peers in OECD countries. (more…)

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