“It’s not me. I’m doing my part.”

We often hear this phrase from people who come through our communications training seminars. People say that it feels inauthentic to adjust their communication and leadership style in order to connect with and motivate others. They say that it’s more important to stay true to oneself than to be shifty and fickle.

What is it that causes people to have this innate resistance to adjusting their style of communication?

In her December 13 New York Times article, “The Counterfeit Self,” Marina Krakovsky reviewed a fascinating study by psychologists Francesca Gino, Michael Norton and Dan Ariely.  These three researchers attempted to study the psychological toll of fooling others, even of we don’t fool ourselves. To do that, they administered a self-graded math test to experimental subjects—half of which thought they were wearing genuine designer eye wear and half of which thought they were wearing cheap knockoffs.

The result?  Participants who thought they were wearing counterfeit eye wear were much more likely to cheat.  Thirty percent of the women who wore the name-brand sunglasses inflated their true performance; while a whopping 71% of the women who chose counterfeit sunglasses inflated their performance.  Says Gino, “When one feels like a fake, he or she is likely to behave like a fake.” Krakovsky hypothesized that other types of fakery could also lead to ethical lapses and quotes Gino as saying, “There are lots of situations on the job where we’re not true to ourselves, and we might not realize there might be unintended consequences.”

How does this relate to effective communication? According to the Process Communication Model, distress is like wearing counterfeit sunglasses.  When we are in distress, we are moving away from our authentic self, away from authentic relationships, away from an honest appraisal of ourselves and others.

First degree, or mild distress, sets the stage for a counterfeit self by putting our own, or others’ worth on condition, and believing the myths that “You can make me feel good emotionally,” or “I can make you feel good emotionally.” Whether with people or objects of our desire, if our relationship with them is based on these myths, we are moving away from our authentic self.

In second degree distress, we Mask our authentic feelings and needs, instead attempting to get our psychological needs met with negative attention.  When we have our counterfeit sunglasses on, the assumptions we draw about ourselves and others are inaccurate and inauthentic.  This leads to poor decision-making, and negative consequences.

The solution is to focus on getting our personal psychological needs met in healthy ways on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.  Doing so allows us to be self-ful, take off our Masks, experience our natural gifts and abilities, and explore other parts of our personalities that allow us to connect more authentically with others.

Let’s not confuse authentic with comfortable or automatic.  Doing what comes naturally means doing what’s always been done, what has been practiced and become habit over time.  Although these behavior patterns may have been developed intentionally over time and provide a sense of grounding, habits require very little energy to continue.

Because each person has all six personality types within them, we can be “true to ourselves” and access any part of our personality, even though this may require energy and feel inauthentic at times.  While we may have less energy in the less-visited floors of our personality condominium, they are no less a part of who we are.

We’d like to clarify our understanding of authenticity – which means to be all of who you are, to mobilize all of your potential in order to connect in meaningful and respectful ways with others, even if others don’t share the same natural tendencies. Sticking to what’s comfortable and expecting others to change in order to connect with you is not authentic, it’s self-centered.

Our message is simple. Take off your counterfeit sunglasses and be the authentic you!  Tend positively to your psychological needs and motivators.  And, stretch into less visited parts of your personality to authentically connect with others.

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