Baby Boomers: A Bridge Between Old and New
This is our second installment in a four-part series answering the question, “If a generation had a personality, what would it be?”
Veterans, Our Connection to the Past
This is our first installment in a four-part series answering the question, “If a generation had a personality, what would it be?”
Generational Differences in Personality
If a generation had a personality, what would it be?
People of all ages frequently ask us about generational differences in personality. And, we are continually amazed at how well the Process Communication Model® helps our clients solve tough generational issues such as communication, motivation, succession planning, job matching, mentoring, leadership coaching, parenting, and personal development.
We live and work in a multi-generational environment. Veterans are retiring, Boomers are trying to manage GenXers, and Gen Y Millennials are asserting themselves everywhere. If a generation had a personality, what would it be? We’ve done our research and have crafted our best guess at PCM personality structures for each generation.
A couple of caveats. First, these personality structures are only our interpretation and are intended to capture the overall essence of the generation, much like a caricature. Second, just as an individual’s personality is shaped by his environment, so too a generation’s personality is shaped by what it went through and had to do to survive. Third, although we suggest that generational personalities have changed over time, we have no evidence that actual percentages among individuals have changed. All it means is that certain types and their character strengths were more suited to surviving and shaping the prevailing life conditions. The result is a cultural personality that is more valued. Those who possess the specific traits are more successful and set the rules. The rest of us try to stay out of distress!
In every generation there have also been people who don’t fit in, who counter the status quo and are either marginalized, or find success in unique ways. The personality structure of these types changes as the prevailing generational personality also changes. We always have the toughest time with personality types at the top of our condo!
Veterans: Our Connection to the Past
Baby Boomers: Bridge between old and New
Generation X: The Emergence of External Motivation
Generation Y: Transcend and Include
Meanwhile, we invite you to get involved in our online PCM community at GotProcess.com.
PCM can help you “click”
Invited White Paper by Kathleen Friesen, Friesen Group
Imagine a tall glass of ice water, shimmering clear in a tall glass, ice clinking against the sides, cold to the touch, refreshing as you swallow. Although you didn’t just actually take a drink, the circuits in your brain that are used to seeing the glass, hearing the ice clink, feeling the cold surface, lifting the glass, and swallowing the water were activated as you imagined the experience.
People sit next to each other in a movie theater. As they watch the movie and experience the environment, their brain circuits fire in similar patterns. If someone in a room says the word “dog,” everyone’s brain circuits dedicated to the knowledge of dogs are activated – even though there is no dog in the room.
We know that speaking and listening is a mutual activity. Research in Interpersonal Neurobiology has been demonstrating these connections for a decade. But what do we know about more everyday conversations, ones that we might have in the break room or at the dinner table?
Princeton University researchers asked that question and designed a method to discover what happens in our brains during normal conversation. The process involved having a speaker tell an unrehearsed personal story, speaking as if to a friend or colleague. While they told the story, the researchers used an fMRI to map the speaker’s brain circuits. Then they had multiple persons listen to the recorded story while inside an fMRI. In addition to the brain scans, the listeners were assessed for comprehension.
The scans showed that as listeners heard the story, their brains began to mirror or “couple” with the brain of the speaker. For some listeners, there was a slight delay in mirroring the speaker’s brain. But as the level of comprehension increased, the level of mirroring increased – eliminating the delay. In the highest level of assessed comprehension, the listener’s brain scans actually preceded the speaker’s.
The experiment was repeated using the same story, but told in Russian to English speakers. The resulting brain scans showed no significant coupling in any brain region between speaker and listener. The coupling is a result of understanding each other. It is the physical and neural basis of mutual communication. Our brains synchronize when we’re communicating most effectively, we “click.”
While each person’s brain is unique, the act of communication can align speaker and listener brain circuits. We know when we are “clicking” with a person or an audience. And we know when things are falling flat. How can a speaker increase the chances that the highest levels of coupling will occur?
The Process Communication Model® (PCM) offers an effective process to increase communication. It is designed to “promote understanding, recognition, prediction, and action.” When listeners are able to predict what the speaker will say next, the greatest level of brain coupling and comprehension occurs. Speakers and organization leaders can use PCM to increase the probabilities of coupling – of clicking and being in sync with their listeners.
Hasson, U. (2010) I can make your brain look like mine. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on Nov. 22, 2010 from http://hbr.org/2010/12/defend-your-research-i-can-make-your-brain-look-like-mine/ar/1
Stephens, G. J., Silbert, L. J., & Hasson, U. (2010). Speaker–listener neural coupling underlies successful communication. PNAS, August 10, 2010, 32: 14425-14430.
Kathleen Friesen is a Principal at Friesen Group. She blogs at www.friesengroup.net and can be reached at kkfriesen@friesengroup.net
Take the Drama out of Customer Relationships
Do your clients hold you hostage with unreasonable requests, impossible time frames, and moving targets? Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it’s never enough?
Competing in a “customer comes first” environment can take its toll on even the best-intentioned company. What’s the solution?
If you’ve attended one of our seminars or read our blog, you’ll know we are fond of Karpman’s Drama Triangle – a model to understand the roles and dynamics of negative drama in relationships. The more we work with our business clients, and the more we evolve our own business, the more potential we see in applying this model to build effective business relationships.
Here’s a quick review. The Drama Triangle describes the interplay between three roles people play during distress and conflict. These roles are Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer.
The Persecutor attacks others from a position of “I’m OK, You are Not OK,” expressing emotions such as rage, righteous indignation, or frustration to keep others at bay. Their modus operandi is win-lose, seeking to feel justified that they are right and others are wrong.
The Victim tolerates attack from the Persecutor from a position of “I’m Not OK, You are OK,” experiencing emotions such as guilt, sadness, inadequacy, and confusion. Their modus operandi is lose-win, seeking to feel justified that they are less worthy than others and deserve to be mistreated. The Persecutor and Victim need each other in a dysfunctional, co-dependent way.
The Rescuer attempts to fix other people’s problems. Whether by rescuing the Victim from their own dilemmas, or diverting the Persecutor’s wrath, the Rescuer feels justified that they are somehow saving the day. Inevitably they fail and feel like a martyr.
Applications of this model to interpersonal relationships in families or executive teams is pretty obvious. And we’ve had terrific success applying it to help our clients find greater levels of effectiveness. Recently, we’ve been seeing connections to the relationships between clients and vendors as well.
What role does your company play? If you play the role of the Persecutor you probably seek to make customers dependent on you and keep them feeling inadequate without you. If you’re in the business of Persecuting your clients, you won’t be in business for long. Customers want to be treated with respect and dignity. Unless they are willing to play the role of the Victim, the relationship won’t last.
Perhaps you are you the Victim? Do you go above and beyond for your clients in ways that compromise your health, integrity, and passion? Do you feel as though you can never do enough, yet you feel trapped because your customers have come to expect it from you? Are you afraid to say no or set boundaries? Do you feel guilty if they aren’t happy? Do you resent them, but bite your tongue when they are around?
If so, you are the Victim and you are allowing them to be the Persecutor. This is the most typical type of relationship we see – Victim vendors and Persecutor customers. While this relationship can last for a long time, it is draining on both parties, and is filled with drama and inefficiencies. Customer relationships from within the Drama Triangle are marked by three key qualities.
The Hostage Crisis
First, your customers hold you hostage instead of holding you accountable. Unrealistic demands, threats, guilt trips, and neediness rule the day. While it feels good to “save the day” for your customers, they become dependent on you and become less and less able to hold you accountable. And, you become resentful and frustrated. This co-dependence stems from a sense of desperation and low self-confidence from both sides. Accountability, on the other hand, involves realistic expectations and honest feedback.
Solution: Openness. Be honest about your deep desire to provide excellent service AND set healthy boundaries about what you can and can’t do while maintaining your sense of pride, integrity, and quality. If your clients don’t respect you for this, then you are already in a downward spiral with this customer.
A great example of this is our web developer, Flint Hills Design. While they will experiment with about any request we give them, they also are clear about their standards of quality, resources they have, and reasonable time frames for delivering a great product.
The Myth of Complaints
From within the Drama Triangle, customers will give you complaints instead of feedback. Complaints flow from a sense of entitlement and lack of shared responsibility for problem-solving. If you are walking on eggshells because of complaining customers, nobody benefits. The best customers give honest, practical feedback that helps you AND them improve. Complaints lead to guilt, fear, defensiveness, and resentment. Feedback leads to growth.
Solution: Resourcefulness. Engage your clients for ways to improve your products and services, and their experience of using them. This involves what you can do AND what they can do. It’s a two-way street. Competent and confident customers see you as a partner instead of a savior. Anything you can do to help empower your customers helps you in the long run.
Again, using Flint Hills Design as an example. Whenever possible, they seek solutions that allow us autonomy to make adjustments and update our website. They provide training and support whenever necessary so that we can do as much as we want to. In the end, this helps us appreciate their role even more.
Dependence is NOT Loyalty
Customers who are dependent on you will jump ship as soon as someone comes along who promises the moon. Going above and beyond is never enough for the addictive Victim-Persecutor relationship. Dependent customers become afraid that one day you won’t be able to save them and might not be there when they are in crisis. And, they can become jealous when you give attention to other customers. Competitors prey on this fear, make false promises, and steal your customers. Loyalty, on the other hand, is courageous and tenacious. Armed with openness and resourcefulness, loyal customers stick with you through tough times, allow you to make the occasional mistake, and believe in you while you are pursuing excellence. They freely and enthusiastically refer others to you because they don’t need to have you all to themselves.
Solution: Persistence. Loyalty is not about being indispensable. It’s about being consistent and predictable. Persistent companies don’t waver in their standards, quality, or the experience they deliver their customers. Even while they innovate, fail, and grow, they deliver a consistent relationship experience to their customers. This fosters loyalty.
This is what Flint Hills Design does for us. Project after project, the experience is the same. Quality, innovation, and consistency.
Have you been a victim to your customers? Have you had success moving to more open, resourceful and persistent relationships with your clients? We’d like to hear your story, or any comments you have!
More posts about the Drama Triangle…
Training the Dragons in Your Life: Lessons from an Unlikely Hero