No one wins in a power struggle, in this brief article discover ways to recognize the invitation to a power struggle and how to decline.

Power – the ability to do something or the capacity to do something.

Struggle – to make forceful or violent efforts to get away from something.

Power Struggle – two words that contradict one another.

In the workplace, at home, or with friends we often find ourselves in the middle of power struggles and the outcome rarely benefits either party involved.  Who decides who “wins” a power struggle?  Usually both parties agree, that after a time, no one won, and that the whole experience has also negatively effected all other persons that were in the vicinity of the event.

So what do you do when faced with a power struggle, and how do you recognize the invitation to participate?

First, recognizing a power struggle is of great benefit.  Too often we don’t see the warning signs until we’re already entrenched.  Is somebody trying to get you to think, feel or act in a certain way?  Have you, or anyone you know ever said anything like the following to you? “If you thought about it, you would know that my way is right,” or  “You really make me feel bad when you do what you did,” or  “This is how it is and this is how we are going to do it, no matter what you say.”

Substitute any similar real life experience, the process is the same.  This is how the process of a power struggle begins.  Recognize when someone is trying to force you into thinking, feeling or acting a certain way, especially those situations when they know you do not agree.  When some one does this, it is a power struggle, an act of force.

Armed with this knowledge, you can learn to recognize the invitation to a power struggle, and you have the opportunity to escape.  Remember power struggles are never won, even if for a moment you experience a feeling of justification.  And, if you accept the invitation, you risk losing friends, and healthy relationships with family and co-workers.

It is important to remember that when someone is trying to engage you in a power struggle, they are under stress and may be making poor decisions.  They are not the person you know and care about at that moment.  It is important to escape the situation, and not hold that personʼs invitation to a power struggle against them. This moment will soon be forgotten, if you refuse the invitation and let it go.

Think a about a time when your child or teen was being oppositional and saying and doing things to get under your skin.  That is a no-win situation.  The youth gets consequences, and the parent gets ulcers and sleep deprivation.  However we don’t hold that incident against our child, we still love them and want to be in a relationship with them!  This is the same type of forgive and forget attitude you want to strive for with your friends and co-workers.

So what does an escape look like?  Always be polite.  “I do not agree with your thoughts on this, may we arrange a time to discuss this later?” or “I hear you saying that you feel bad, letʼs take a breather and share what we are feeling and experiencing after we’ve had a little time to reflect,” or “I do not agree to go along with this plan.  I will continue to support you, and may we talk later about our differing plans of action?”

Escaping is not about dropping the discussion or rolling over.  It is about acknowledging the person under stress and asking to talk with them at another time when they are calm and not experiencing stress.  A little bit of time away from the situation is a great way to gain perspective.  Escaping is gaining perspective!

Here are the three tips for negotiating a power struggle:
1. Recognize what is happening.
2. Acknowledge a desire for time.
3. Establish a future time to resume the discussion.

And always remember the power struggle is not about the person, or about you – it is about their current stress.  Happy escaping!

Posted on April 22, 2009 by Jeff

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