To Versus With

Avoid authoritative, top-down communication and develop more effective relationships.

Often times as adults we do not do things “with” people, we do things to people. When we do something to someone, we are not inviting them, or ourselves, into a collaborative relationship. The process of building collaborative relationships with friends, co-workers, spouses and children is what most of us want. Most of us do not enjoy demanding, authoritative relationships – at work, or at home. How do you feel when you are told, “clean your room,” “get this project done by 1:00 p.m. today,” or “go get the kids.”

If you have been guilty of this, as most all of us – self included, then you have done something “to” someone. Telling someone to do something without engagement is doing something to. Learning and growing is a collaborative process in which we work with our spouse, with our children, with our friends and co-workers.

Authoritative is a top-down process in which we make demands and give instructions to a person expecting them to do as we have instructed. Like the example “get this project done by 1:00 p.m. today,” some of us may have done this and at times with some good results. Other times, not so much. To approach this in a healthy, collaborative way, you might instead say, “This project is due by 1:00 p.m. today. Is there anything you would like from me in order to have this completed by 1:00 p.m.?” Research has shown that only 15 percent of the population respond effectively to a directive style of interaction, people just donʼt like to be be told what to do.

When we look at doing something ʻwith somebodyʼ versus ʻto somebodyʼ then we are motivating them. Remember the old cliché “there is no ʻIʼ in team,” well, if that is true then our requests (not demands) will offer our assistance in an authentic, appropriate way. Another example would be, “Everyone needs to be in the board room at 1:00 p.m. for the budget meeting.” Versus, “We encourage everyone to please attend the 1:00 p.m. budget meeting in the board room. Your advice, presence and time will be appreciated.” Contrary to how this may seem to you, this is not soft or coddling, this is motivating. And when people are motivated they are going to be more engaged and
better employees.

Lets take a look at a parenting example, “Jimmy, it is your turn to do the dishes, so please get the dishes clean.” Versus, “Jimmy, it is your turn to do the dishes, it is my turn to mop the floor, and your sisterʼs turn to take out the trash. Will you please wash the dishes?”

In summary here are three tips:
1. Avoid demands.
2. Ask what it is you can to do help with the task.
3. Ask for the task to be completed.

Download PDF Version