Three Words That Can Change Your Life

Three simple, everyday words can sabotage effective communication, learn why and how to avoid using them.

Weʼve all experienced those personal or workplace encounters that just donʼt go right. One or both people leave angry, not sure whether the message was really “heard,” or feeling confused about what just happened. Unfortunately, in many of these situations, intentions were good. Communication research shows that only 10% of all interactions qualify as effective communication. Itʼs no wonder that effective communication is one of the most valuable and sought-after skills in todayʼs workplace.

In effective communication there is a clearly transferred and understood message, the desired outcome is clear to all parties, the interaction is collaborative not competitive, and the dignity of each person is maintained. If one or more of these conditions is violated, mis-communication is likely. Following, I will share three simple words everyone uses many times a day that usually cause breakdowns in communication, morale problems, and unmotivated employees. And, to each I will share a possible alternative.

“What you need to understand is….” “I need you to stop sending me those e-mails.” “We need to improve our sales numbers.” Do these phrases inspire you towards better performance? If your response is less than enthusiastic, or if you want to spout off some colorful comeback, you are not alone. Each of these phrases contains the word “need.” Whether we are conscious of it or not, the word “need” often produces negative reactions and mis-communication.

The word ʻneedʼ implies that someone is worthwhile only if they comply. The statement “You need to finish the report by noon,” implies that if you donʼt, you are not OK. When I say, “I need you to stop sending me e-mails,” what I am really saying is, “I will not be OK until you stop sending e-mails.” “What you need to understand” is another way of saying, “Thereʼs something wrong with you if you donʼt see it my way.”

No-oneʼs self worth is conditional on anotherʼs behavior. Using ʻneedʼ in this way can feel like emotional high-jacking. Need also confuses the message by avoiding an actual request. “I need 50 copies of the minutes” is a passive statement. “Would you please make 50 copies of the minutes” is a true request and clearly states the desired outcome – it is assertive. Try replacing ʻneedʼ with ʻbenefit,ʼ or assertively ask for what you want. For example, “It would benefit the company for us to raise sales numbers,” or “please stop sending me e-mails.”

A second word that seems to send communication into a downward spiral is “but.” How often have you heard something like…”Great work on that project, but you missed something.” Which part of this statement has the most impact? The truth is that in most cases the word “but” suggests that only perfection is acceptable, adds a competitive element, and implies that the compliment was not genuine or relevant. Try replacing “but” with “and,” which changes most sentences from conditional and competitive to complimentary. For example, “Great work on that project, and here are two suggestions to make it even better.” This way, suggestions for improvement can be given without discounting the existing accomplishment.

A third word to avoid is “see.” “See, I told you so.” “See, if you would have listened to me in the beginning…” When used as self-justification the word “see” says nothing more than “I was right, you were wrong.” One of the strongest human desires is to feel justified, and we will go to great lengths to feel as though we were right, even if it is not the most effective strategy. Sentences that begin with “see” usually set up a win-lose situation and elicit defensiveness, so we recommend eliminating it altogether. One exception might be, “See Spot run.”

There you have it; three simple words that can change your life if you use them less. At first, it will require diligence and creativity to find alternative ways of communicating, and it will feel awkward, and in time you will experience better communication.

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